I had wanted a baby from the age of 19. I met a lovely man called Michael and we would have married if he hadn’t developed a brain tumour and died at age 22. I was 23.
My chance to settle down and have children was put on hold.
I moved from Ireland to London in 1987 where I met my husband. We lived together for 4 years but he wouldn’t consider having children before marriage. We married in 1992 when I was 29.
We bought a one bed flat and commuted to London from Kent. We had bought our flat in 1990 and it devalued by half within a year. As my 30th birthday approached, I began to think about again about having a baby but because of our circumstances, my husband wouldn’t contemplate the prospect. We had no money, a hefty mortgage and zero chance of moving to a bigger place.
I cried so much over it one night that my husband called me at work the next day and said I could stop talking the pill in six months and try for a baby. I was ecstactic!
I spent the next 2 years trying to get pregnant and as any woman who has been through the same thing, it was a nightmare, with every month one disappointment after another.
I decided to take a break from trying for a baby and decided to study nursery nursing. At least I would be around babies at work, I thought.
I started the course in September 1995 not knowing that I was already pregnant. I had my son in 1996 and my second son 1998. I desparatly wanted a daughter but my husband had an undiagnosed condition which meant that his sex-drive was non-existent. It was hard for me being rejected night after night so we rarely had sex.
I got pregnant at age 41 in 2003 and I was unaware up until I was 6 weeks pregnant, when my husband asked me if I might be as I was so moody. That was in the 7th of March.
I bought some chicken pieces for dinner on Sunday and I noticed that mine tasted ‘metallic’. Everyone else’s was fine. I developed severe diarrhoea within 2 hours of eating dinner and miscarried on the Thursday 13th of March 2003. I went back to the butchers and got my money back because I felt that I needed to do something.
We live in a small town and I didn’t have the courage to tell the butcher the truth. When I went in again, I was aware of staff members whispering about me but I couldn’t tell them what happened. I rarely go in now, but I still get filthy looks from the old staff. I was devastated when I miscarried. At 41, and I with an almost non-profit existent sex life, I thought that I would never have another child, but God had other plans.
I got pregnant again I August 2003 and I had my daughter in April 2004. It took me 14 years to come to terms with losing my baby, because of the way it happened. I feel blessed to have my daughter, who would not have been born if my baby had lived.
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